BLOG: I'm So Behind

I said behind.  Tee hee.  No, this isn't another blog about buttsecks.  I'm not quite ready to do a follow-up to that post just yet.  I'm actually behind.....on writing my book reviews.  I'm way behind, y'all.  Like 28 reviews behind.  But, I just.can't.stop.reading.  For so long, I was so good about not starting one book until I had written and posted the review for the book I had just finished.  Somewhere in July.....I got way off track.

Here's the books I've read and still need to write the reviews for.  They are listed in no particular order.

1. One Grave At A Time
2. Come Back To Me
3. Don't Call Her Angel
4. The Artist
5. Kiss Me Kate
6. Covert Lessons
7. Trespass
8. One-Two Punch
9. Rock Hard
10. Desire in the Dark
11. Loving the Beast
12. Power Play
13. Everything Nice
14. Punished
15. Rough Cut
16. Broken
17. Backstage Pass
18. Take Me
19. Three Reasons Why
20. Inflamed
21. Mad About Meg
22. Happy Endings
23. Mr. Smith's Whip
24. Kidnap and Kink
25. Ready and Willing
26. Seeing Blind
27. Snowed In with the Tycoon
28. The Gladiator's Master
29. The Darkest Surrender
30. Captured
31. Sweet Inspiration
32. Sweet Magik
33. Head Games
34. White Knight
35. Belong To Me
36. Beauty & The Feast
37. Incorporeal

So yea.  That's my need to be reviewed list.  It's sooooo long. (Tee Hee.  That's what she said.  I can't help it, I'm not mature.)

With the exception of the last 3 or 4 books I read, I'll need to do a lot of rereads.  A lot of them.  Which is fine, because I loved almost all of these books.  In fact, some of them....I have already reread a time or two.

I'll get caught up.  You know, eventually.

Review: Sporting Wood

Sporting Wood by Cindy Spencer Pape

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

I have a confession to make. I am a non-discriminating Free Kindle book WHORE. I will download ANY romance/erotica novel if it is free. That being said, I have no one to blame but myself when said free book ends up being a POS.

Since all of the "Naughty Nooners" sport the same cover, you really can't judge a book by its cover. Which is a pity. Based on the title of this book alone, I thought it may be about a randy baseball player or a randy carpenter. I had no idea that the book would be about a male shifter wolf and a talking lady tree. OK, she's a nymph that LIVES in the tree, like the Keebler elves, but still. When he meets her, she is a fucking tree. (And the best part of it is....he was in wolf form and was about to pee on her. Cause remember, she's a tree....and dogs like to pee on trees.)

This was the point in the book that I said...."Um, I think I'm gonna just stop right here." I really wanted to stop reading, but I've never given up on a book before and therefore I felt compelled by my own sick sense of I must know how it ends. So onward I read.

The wolf and the tree finally get it on.....but they do turn into human form first. There wasn't anything special about their copulation except that I couldn't get it out of my head that this wolf was humping a lady tree. I also won't mention that these two crazy kids stayed connected for a little while after they were done.....because, you know, the guy is a dog and everything and you know that dogs swell a certain way and blah blah blah. In the book, they called it a mating knot. I call it gross and too close to bestiality for my taste.

Then somewhere around the middle of the book, there's this whole "message" about environmentalism and how the sacred grove where the nymphs live can't get desecrated by metal or plastic because if it does they nymphs have to leave their trees, and most usually just up and die. At this point, I wanted to take a chainsaw to all of the lady trees.....while wearing a wolf skin coat. Jesus H. Christ....why did I keep reading?

Review: Not Just An Orgy

Not Just an Orgy by Sally Painter

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

This story started out with an interesting premise. Journalist Alexia is planning an expose piece on Haden's super secret club, The Sanctuary. A club rumored to be the host of very exclusive orgies. Alexia manages to get Haden to ask her to the club, but what she didn't expect is that she would be so attracted to him. (Yea, cause most single ladies aren't attracted to good looking and wealthy businessmen who fawn all over them. Journalistic integrity only goes so far.) Like I said, it started out interesting....that's just about the only good thing I have to say about it.

Alexia is wired with a mini-camera in her hair barrette (um, yea) so she can film the whole experience. Turns out the club IS the host to a giant orgy of sorts. (Really, it's just a bunch of couples all having sex in the room together. There wasn't any partner switching. Is that still an orgy?? Whatever. I don't care.) So yea....all the hot monkey sex going on in the big room was getting Alexia really turned on, so Haden just whips his dick out and fucks her. No condom. Nothing. Just boom.....dick-in-vadge. As soon as they're done, Alexia feels really guilty that she's going to ruin this man that just banged her and that she kinda likes.....so she runs for the door. But of course, Haden runs after her and ends up banging her again (cause his recovery time is like 45 seconds) and then he explains that he knows all about her filming everything with her super secret spy barrette. Then he procedes to tell her that she's his mate and she's never leaving him. Ever. Then he bites her throat because he's a vampire. The End.

I so wish I was kidding.

But, hey....you read this whole review. You're welcome....I just saved you the trouble of reading the actual POS story. Now I'm going to go jab shards of glass in my eye, because that will be a hell of a lot more entertaining than the hot mess that is Not Just An Orgy.

Blog: What, what....in the butt?

Is anal the new oral in hetero romance novels?

No really. Is it? Sure seems that way to me, which is why I felt the need to write this long blog about the phenomenon of rampant buttsecks going on in all of the hetero romance and erotica books that I've been reading lately. It seems like EVERYBODY is doin' it in the butt these days. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not criticizing it. Not at all. But I do feel the need to add my own personal disclaimer that I have never personally attempted it. I've never said no to it....but I've also never had a guy say "hey....can I stick it in your back passage?" (Back passage, you ask? Yes, I've seen it referred to as that in a book. Along with many other phrases that make me go "tee hee" and take me totally out of the would-be sexy moment. But then again, my maturity level is around that of a 12 year old boy, so maybe those phrases are only funny to me.) *more about euphemisms at the end of this post*

Anyway....

Now, maybe I just haven't been around the block as much as many of the heroines I've been reading about. In my head, doing it in the butt requires a lot of trust shared with your partner. Trust you don't gain on the first date. But it seems like they'll just go there right off the bat. And not only is it the guys going there in the girl's butt.....the girls go there too. With their tongues. On the first date. I don't know about you, but when I first meet a guy, I don't always know where he stands on personal hygiene. I mean, he may smell good and all, but Axe body spray can cover up a lot. What it can't cover up is how clean his asshole is. How do I know how if he's squeaky clean back there? Maybe he had Mexican for lunch and didn't shower after his post-Mexican meal visit to the loo. I'm certainly not gonna let my tongue figure that out for me. Hell....I don't even want my finger to figure that out. But, some of our heroines seem more than happy to visit the hero's dark alley on the first date, with no hesitation. And after I read those parts, I just want to go brush my teeth and gargle with bleach.

Yea, I know it's a book.....and we're supposed to imagine that people don't fart in bed and have less than stellar ass-cleaning routines. I get that. After all, romances are fairy tales and everything is supposed to be unicorns, rainbows, and rose-scented assholes. But I can't stop myself from going there. I can't stop imagining all of the disgusting scenarios involving hairy male assholes and the women who want to lick them.

Now, let's talk about the guys who wanna do it in the women's butts, cause I have concerns there as well. First of all, every man in a romance novel is hung like a water buffalo. And it seems like every woman is an anal-virgin. Reality math tells us that huge penis + virgin lady asshole = excruciating pain. But romance novel math tells us that huge penis + virgin lady asshole ÷ some lube = pleasure beyond compare. I do not buy this math. At all. Ask any gay man....and believe me, they know their buttsecks.....but it just doesn't work like that. And it doesn't always go well on the first try. Even with a gallon bucket full of lube. But according to hetero romance and erotica novels....there's a little pinching and then a ton of pleasure. In my head, after I read a scene like this......I'm thinking that this poor woman isn't gonna be able to shit right for a week. (I know, I'm disgusting, but you're the pervert reading my blog about buttsecks, so what does that say about YOU? *wink. just kidding.*)

Another of my pet peeves about buttsecks is that it often happens because the hero and heroine find themselves in a situation where condoms aren't available. And I'm guessing if there aren't any condoms, there isn't any lube either. See my "reality/romance math equations" above. Ouch. And I don't care what the books say - spit isn't considered a lube. There's another whole blog post that I could write about safe sex in romance novels....or lack there of. But I'm not gonna go there in this post. But condomless buttsecks just seems like a bad idea, no matter what the situation. And my mind always goes to the dark place (pun intended).

So, to sum it up - I'm not against buttsecks in my hetero romance. Far from it, actually. At times, it can be super hot. That is, when my mind isn't thinking about cleanliness issues or what a butthole might actually taste like. (Again, I'm disgusting, I know. But you've stuck around this long, pervert. So don't pretend you're all high and mighty and admit it....you've wondered too!)

Now finally - the part of this blog that made me want to write it in the first place.....euphemisms! This was originally inspired by my friend Jen's blog post called Romance Thesaurus. In this post, she covers some of her favorite phrases that, as she says, "have yanked me out of a hot and heavy moment and dropped me straight into giggle-town". For my list, I'm sticking with the ass theme. Here are some of my favorite euphemisms for the back door. Enjoy.....and feel free to add your favorite assphemisms in the comments section.

forbidden channel
dark passage
puckered hole
virgin entrance
clenching pucker of her rear entrance
clenching back hole
now hungry opening of her anus (ewwww)

(Aghhh! I know I have more! I will add them as they come to me. I should have been keeping better notes on the books I've read recently!)

Review: IOU Sex

IOU Sex by Calista Fox

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I don’t know about you, but I love a story where a bitch gets what’s coming to her. Combine that with some hot sex and a happy ending and you’ve got the makings of a great story. And that’s just what IOU Sex is.....a great story. (Though, I wish to God it had a different title. I *almost* didn’t read this book based on the title alone. I don’t know why....it just has that “cheezy” vibe to it. Granted, I can’t think of a title that I would prefer over this one, so there ya go.)

Anyway.

Like all of the books I read that are well done,,,,,I wanted more. I loved the concept of this book so much, but it SO deserved to be a full length novel. It felt more like the final act of a really good book versus a stand alone novella. That being said....I loved it to pieces.

Fiona comes from an affluent family. The kind where you do what you're told without question. Unfortunately (or fortunately), Fiona isn't the type to just obey orders. She marches to the beat of her own drummer, much to her overbearing mother's chagrin.

Fiona has just received an invitation to her baby sister’s engagement party. No big deal, really, except that the sister, Lizzie, is marrying Fiona’s FORMER fiance! How did he become her former fiance, you ask? Well.....Fiona caught them 69-ing it in HER bed right before the wedding. Classy, right? And even classier.....Fiona gets an invitation to the engagement party - on the SAME stationary that Fiona herself had picked out when she was the intended bride. (Gah. Uppity folks can be so tacky.) To show that she’s the bigger person and that’s she’s over it.....Fiona decides to go to said engagement party. In a racy red dress - with some super hot mancandy on her arm. That man is her best friend and occasional fuck-buddy, Michael Houston. Michael is a famous photographer, a hot piece of ass, and a super nice man. And.....well.....he’s also somewhat of a player. Because of this, Fiona has kept her heart away from him. Because, really, the last thing she needs is another broken heart and another failed relationship.

So, the day before the nightmare engagement party, Fiona calls up Michael and says she needs to ask him a favor. In his oh-so-sexy voice, he asks her to come over and ask her in person. She’s not stupid.....she knows what he wants. And even though it’s been almost a year since she’s been with him - and she’s horny as hell - she promises herself that she’s not going to sleep with him. (Yea, right!!)

Of course, they end up having some amazing sex....and in the midst of all that, we realize that Michael just might not be as much of a player as he used to be. It’s obvious from their interaction that Fiona is special to Michael. In fact, he wants a real relationship with her, but Fiona doesn’t want to go there. (OK, yea, she really does....but she’s scared. A broken heart is a hard thing to forget.) Of course, Michael agrees to go to the party on her arm....IF....she agrees to spend the rest of the weekend with him. (And like a fortune cookie....you should tack on “in bed” to that previous sentence.) Reluctantly, she agrees.

The party is everything you would have hoped it to be. Fiona gets exactly the reaction she was hoping for. She looked smokin’ hot, and she was with an equally smokin’ hot man that only had eyes for her. She got to tell off her fake-ass-fiance-stealing sister and she finally realized that she really was completely over the cheating-bastard-ex-fiance. Oh yea, the uppity mother who turned a blind eye to her younger daughter stealing the other daughter’s fiance.....yea....she got told off too.

AND, Fiona finally realized that Michael is a man worth going out on a limb for and risking it all for.

*Sigh* I love stories like this. I love seeing worthy people get what they deserve and asshole people getting told where they can shove it. But like I said in the beginning....this felt so much like the third act of a really good novel. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the story. But when I think of the potential backstory that could have been.....I feel a little let down. The conflict resolution was so sweet....but I couldn’t help but feel just how much sweeter it could have been if the book started....say.....right after Fiona caught the fiance and the sister going at it. And then how she met Michael, etc. I always hate to base my rating on what ISN’T there versus what IS.....but in this case, I can’t help it. I would totally give this 5 stars, but there was so much more I wanted.

*ARC provided by NetGalley

Review: Let's Get Naked

Let's Get Naked by Marianne LaCroix

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I can describe this entire book in 6 words: contains every cliche known to man.

Hot, older woman lusts after hot, younger neighbor. Woman has online fling with mystery man....they agree to meet. Mystery man is the hot neighbor. They proceed to have hot monkey sex. Really, that's the book in a nutshell.

The sex scenes were hot, but nothing special. Mostly, the book was just really predictable.

But hey.....it was free from Amazon. And, it was an ok way to spend 30 minutes of my time. I didn't hate it.....but I didn't love it either.

Review: Sugar and Spice (#1)

Sugar and Spice by Mari Carr

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Ginny is turning 30 and she just got dumped by her douchey boyfriend. In steps Travers, her best friend since childhood. He agrees to take her out for some birthday fun - at an exclusive sex club that she's been dying to go to. Once they arrive at the club, Ginny spots the douchey boyfriend all up in some blonde bimbo's fake tits. To comfort her, Travers says all the right things and then takes her back to his private room for some, um, fun.

I love a good best-friend-turned-lover story, but they only work when we get to see the friendship first. That's the element of this book that just made me giddy. I loved the friendship between all of the characters. Ginny is the lone girl in a group of three guys. They've all been BFFs since childhood, and now they all work together. Travers has always had the hots for Ginny, but he never admitted it to himself or anyone else. Too bad....everyone else sort of already knew. Well, except for Ginny. Ginny had always sort of had a thing for him too. (Damn it, these kids and their failure to communicate!) There are several great flashbacks to their childhoods that do a good job in establishing not only the deep friendship and love the four have for each other - it also shows that there was something all along between Ginny and Travers, if you read between the lines.

I absolutely love all of the characters that were introduced in this book, so it makes me quite happy to know that we'll be seeing this world continue to expand in the form of a series. (YEA!!)

Review: Happy Hour (#4)

Happy Hour by Mari Carr

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Jamie, Trey, and Grace are all teachers at the same high school. On Fridays, they like to get together at the local bar for happy hour. It's April....almost graduation....and they're all about to go crazy. If it wasn't for their Friday night get-togethers, they all probably would.

Grace is 40 and has been single for quite a while. Her husband died in a car accident, leaving her alone with their young daughter who is now about to graduate from high school. Grace has devoted her life to raising her daughter and now that she’s about to be faced with living alone for the first time in her life, she realizes how much she’s missed out on. With the encouragement of her BFF (and fellow teacher) Cheryl, Grace is determined to make this happy hour a different one. She’s going to cut loose and allow herself to be that person she’s always held back from being. And Jamie and Trey both pick up on her new attitude on life. Jamie, who is secretly (or really, not so secretly...according to his friends) is in love with Grace. And he has been for a while, but he’s never bothered to act on it. He’s about 8 years younger than Grace, is Grace’s daughter’s softball coach, oh, and he also suffered a devastating loss of love when his fiance walked out on him. Needless to say, these two crazy kids have a lot stacked against them.

So, what will it take to get Grace and Jamie together? A little good, old fashioned jealousy. Trey, fellow coach at the school and best friend of Jamie, tries out a little bump-and-grind dancing with Grace and Jamie doesn’t seem to like it one bit. Then Trey admits that he did it only to put a boot to Jamie’s ass to get him to ask her out. What Trey didn’t count on was that he would genuinely get the hots for Grace. Although Jamie isn’t too keen on sharing a woman, Trey assures him that it would only be for one night. He basically just wants to tap that and move on. Trey knows that Jamie and Grace are meant for each other, but he thinks she needs to sow some wild oats before she settles down with Jamie. (Mind you - Jamie has yet to ask Grace out....so he’s making a lot of assumptions. But apparently anyone with eyes in their head can see the chemistry and affection between Jamie and Grace.)

While Jamie is initially hesitant to proposition Grace with their menage scheme, he soon realizes that his raging hard-on for the hot English teacher trumps any fears he might have about her saying no. And of course, Grace doesn’t say no.

The trio leaves the bar and heads to Jamie’s house for some, you guessed it, smoking hot-for-teacher sex. The thing I love most about Mari Carr’s books is her ability to write consistently hot sex scenes. Even if I don’t care for the characters, the sex is always super hot. Luckily for me.....I did love the characters in the book. So much. While Grace and Trey are obviously hot for each other, it’s also obvious that Grace and Jamie are meant to be together.

Menage stories are sometimes hit or miss for me. I loved this one because it didn’t aspire to be a “let’s live this threesome alternative lifestyle” type of story. No. It was just three people, having smoking hot three-way sex and then going about their normal lives. No trying to buck society’s norms. No, it was just some one night only naughty sexytimes. And it worked. So well. Jamie seemed just like the kind of guy you’d want to take home to meet your parents. You know, as long as no one brings up the threesome with his best friend over the get-to-know-you dinner.

Review: Tequila Truth (#2)

Tequila Truth by Mari Carr

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Kylie, Colt, and Heath have been best friends and roommates since college. It's their tradition to play "Tequila Truth" during every birthday celebration. What is tequila truth? They each take a shot and honestly answer a question that is asked of the group. Usually the questions are highly sexual. So....at their most recent birthday celebration, the question was about what their ultimate sexual fantasy was. Kylie's answer....to be with two men, with bondage and spanking thrown in for extra fun. Fast forward to a shot time later. Neither Colt or Heath can forget about Kylie's answer, even though they are all "just friends". It's not until Heath walks in on Kylie and her boyfriend and a BDSM session that turned into an actual beating that things change. Heath and Colt think that THEY should be the ones to fulfill Kylie's ultimate fantasy, rather than her getting careless with guys that don't have her safety and well-being in mind. So, they purpose a weekend of sexual fantasy fulfillment for Kylie. When the weekend's over, they go back to the way things were - friends and roommates. But after the sex play begins, all three realize that they all might have been more than "just friends" all along.

So much of this book worked for me.....but so much of it didn’t. I didn’t like Colt’s constant use of the word “darlin’”. Yea, I know he’s a Southern gentleman and all of that. I get it....I’m Southern, and I know people like that. And it gets on my nerves in real life as much as it did in this book. And while I bought them all as friends, I didn’t buy them as much as a sexual trio. No doubt, the sex was super hot....but I never saw that transition from hot sex to love between the three of them. I think it was probably there all along, so there wasn’t a place for a transition from just friends having hot sex to true love....but I wanted to see it. I needed it in order for me to be able to buy them as a lifetime committed trio.

And there were just a few lines that made me groan. Granted, they were said in jest....but they took me completely out of the moment. They happened in the same scene, almost in the same paragraph. “Darlin’, are you ready to take a little ride on the roommate roller coaster?” and “Buckle up and keep your cocks inside my body at all times, boys.” Oh good God, no. I repeat....the characters were joking when they said these lines....but really? Really.

I’ve read many books that involve a menage fling winding up as a full lifetime commitment - and it’s worked. I just didn’t buy it in this book. Realistically, I don’t really get people having these relationships in real life, but when it comes to fiction, I can suspend my disbelief. I mean....it is fiction, after all. But I just wasn’t able to do it in this book. Don’t get me wrong, though....there is some entertainment to be found in this book. The sex is smoking hot, no doubt. I just didn’t grow to care about these characters like I have in some of Mari Carr’s other books.

Review: Erotic Research (#1)

Erotic Research by Mari Carr

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Julia and Ross have been coworkers and best friends for ten years. She is a best-selling romance novelist and he is her editor. But for those same ten years, Julia has been somewhat of a recluse - she hardly dates or goes out. Ever. And then her cat dies and she loses it.

To help her out of her funk, Ross suggests she try writing erotica and he gives her a ton of books and the keys to his mountain cabin so she can go do "research". But underneath his helpful exterior, Ross is plotting to seduce his best friend. He's been in love with her forever and he can't keep it from her any longer. BUT, he fears his somewhat kinky sexual tastes might scare the somewhat vanilla Julia.

While Julia is secluded in Ross's cabin during the winter, he drives up from the city for a surprise visit (and hopefully a seduction). Of course, they get snowed in together. And that's when things really begin to heat up. (bad pun, *rimshot*)

The sex is, whoa, incredibly hot. And about as un-vanilla as you can get! While it starts off as "research"....or at least that's what Julia thinks....it quickly turns into so much more. What these two crazy kids had was a failure to communicate! Both have always had the hots for the other one, but neither of them ever had the balls to admit it. But I swear, during the story....I just wanted to slap them both to make them confess their feelings to each other. They're bubbling just barely below the surface....it's the subtext of every word they say to each other.....and yet it goes unsaid for so long! It's so frustrating as a reader, but as frustrating as it is.....it's that much more satisfying when their feelings true finally do come out.

I can't think of a hotter fantasy than best friend turned love of your life. And if said best friend-turned-true love can also manage to give you the best sex of your life....well, that's all just icing on the cake, baby.

Review: Cracklin' Rosie (#2)

Cracklin' Rosie by Lissa Matthews

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

We first meet Rosie in the first book of this series, Sweet Caroline. She's the waitress/owner of the local diner, and she's a pistol. A pistol with a fetish for being spanked. But due to the small town she lives in and their everybody knows everything about everybody else mentality....it has remained her dirty little secret. Until she meets Decker.

Decker is a friend of Buck (from book 1) and after Buck moves to the mountains to be with Caroline, he calls Decker and asks if he wants to go into business together. Shortly after sort of moving to the mountain town, Decker meets Rosie when she hires him to replace her roof. And he's a goner. He wants Rosie and he has a feeling she wants him - but she is stubborn and doesn't want to admit that she feels the same for him. Eventually she admits it, and somewhere in the conversation Decker also realizes that Rosie has thing for being spanked. And wouldn't you know it....Decker likes to spank.

I loved Decker. He's super sweet, hot as hell, and he's covered in tattoos. What's not to love? Rosie, as I said, is a pistol. A pistol that I sometimes just wanted to smack. I was all "Girl, you have this hot man lusting after you!! Stop running away from him!!" But in her defense, she had a strong fear of being in a relationship that might get a little kinky and might not be the "norm". And more importantly she was terrified of the people in town finding out about her fetish. She's a little paranoid about her kinks anyway, so I can see where she could take any potential relationship and mentally fast forward it to the point where it goes horribly wrong and then suddenly the ex has loose lips and tells everyone in town that she's a kinky wench. Ok, so maybe she's more than a little paranoid. But I come from a small town, so I can certainly understand where she's coming from.

The sex is hot and takes place all over - in a truck, in the woods, on a porch, and yes....even in a boring old bed. But I can promise you that the sex is anything but boring. As with all of this author's books, the sex is smoking hot. (And there is plenty of spanking for those of you into that sort of thing. *wink*)

I love this series, and the world that's been built for it. And I can't stand the wait for book #3. I just know it involves Cort and Blue. (Cort being a friend of Decker and Buck's.....and Blue being Rosie's childhood best friend)

Review: Sweet Caroline (#1)

Sweet Caroline: Blue Jeans and Hard Hats, Book 1 by Lissa Matthews

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

The hotness drips off the pages of this book like lava. Good Lord....

Caroline is a 40 year old, recently divorced woman who is looking to sell her house and move to the mountains. While wandering through the a home improvement store, she encounters Buck. Buck is a contractor who normally doesn't do the kind of work that Caroline needs done....but he feels an attraction to her - so hey, why not. Things stay completely platonic until he runs into her in a sex shop. Here, the slightly shy Caroline boldly shows Buck what kind of things she likes - from clamps to whips to glass dildos. And thus their relationship begins.

The hot monkey sex starts out hot and continues to get even hotter....if that's possible. If you're not a fan of BDSM, I would suggest you skip this book.....because it does go there. A lot. But don't get me wrong. While there is a TON of sex in this book - there is a good storyline as well. Caroline's ex-husband got her interested in the lifestyle, but after years and years, the relationship eventually morphed into something Caroline didn't want. Swinging was always something they did.....but when the ex-husband started getting it on without Caroline's knowledge....well, it just started going downhill from there. Finally, she asked him to move out. It was this move that prompted Caroline to take a road trip that landed her in the mountains of Georgia, in what would soon be her new home. As soon as the repairs on her old home were made, that is, and she was able to sell it. The one thing she didn't factor into her new life was Buck - and falling in love with him.

Start reading this book for the hot sex....but keep reading it for the great characters you'll be introduced to here and in the other books in the series. I love Lissa's writing style and she sure as hell can write a hot scene. No doubt.

Review: Better Than 8 Fantasy

Better Than 8 Fantasy by Erin Jamison

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Man, oh man. If there was ever a concept for a book series that I was totally down for - it's Better Than 8. What is Better Than 8 you ask? Well, as you'll find out in this book, it's a dating website for women who like their men....um....gifted? *snicker* At first, I thought this story was going to be about guys with huge dicks and the women who want them. And, yea....I guess it kind of is. But what I didn't count on was the great story and the characters that have laid the foundation for this series.

This story focuses on Amara, the only single one in her group of girlfriends. One night at a party, one of her friends jokingly suggest that she sign up for this new dating website called Better Than 8. And she does....mostly as a joke. But when she is contacted by Seva, she starts to think that maybe there's something to this site after all. The two strike up a steamy online flirtation that continues for months, but then suddenly ends shortly after Amara send Seva her phone number. He never calls and the online flirtation comes to a screeching halt. Figuring that he's found someone else or she's been played for a fool, Amara goes about her life.

When Amara gets called away to Puerto Rico on business, who do you think she meets in a business meeting? That's right....Seva. And he's even more beautiful in person than the photos he sent her. I can't even imagine how hard it was for Amara to sit through a long ass meeting with a raging case of lady-wood. Later on that night, Amara and Seva end up at his beach house where they finally have more than instant message sex.

It isn't until the next morning that Amara discovers that Seva has a roommate. A hot male roommate name Naldo. And you can probably guess when I'm going with this, right? And in case you're wondering....yes....it was totally hot. I mean, what's hotter than one buff Latin man making your every sexual fantasy come true? The answer is TWO buff Latin men making your every sexual fantasy come true.

The sex in the book is super hot. But you know what I didn't realize? I didn't realize until I was going back over parts of the book for this review that there isn't really a ton of sex in the book. Remember, Amara doesn't actually meet Seva until much later. And after they meet, yea, there's a lot of sex. But before, it was just hot sexy emails and photos. Obviously it had to be very hot and sexy if I didn't notice that it wasn't actual vag-n-dick sexytimes. So, bonus points to the author for that!

As I said before, I love the concept of this series and the characters that are introduced. Amara's pack of girlfriends are going to be fun to watch....assuming they make it into the rest of the books. (I hope so!) And even if they don't, I'm quite excited to read more about the women (or men) who are turning to the Better Than 8 website to find love! (Good Lord, if only such a site existed. If only.....)

Review: Collide

Collide by Megan Hart

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

It has taken me several days to think about what I wanted to say in this review. I loved this book so much - and it was completely different from anything that I’ve read in quite a while. Maybe ever. Even a week later, this book is still with me. I’m still thinking about it every day and I want to read it again and again. Really, I didn’t want the book to ever end.

The story focuses on Emm. She was in an accident as a child that left her with a brain injury. The only lasting after effects are the blackouts she occasionally suffers from. They’re called fugues.

Having recently moved out on her own in a new city, she quickly becomes a local at The Mocha, the neighborhood coffee shop. She meets here best friend, Jen, here almost every day for coffee and gossip. It is here that Emm also encounters Johnny Dellasandro. Apparently he’s famous (or infamous).....and Jen is a huge fan. Emm learns that he is an artist and a former actor in 70’s art films. Kind of like Andy Warhol....but with less pop culture notoriety. Johnny lives in the neighborhood and frequents The Mocha, though he hardly speaks to anyone. Ever. But Emm is intrigued and Jen is more than happy to show her all of his movies.

Soon, Emm becomes immersed in all things Johnny. And her fugues - which hadn’t been happening in past years - have started up again. The only difference now is that when she goes dark, she’s going back in time during Johnny’s heyday of the 70‘s. She sees his friends and his house and details that she doesn’t think she should know. At first, she blows it off as just her remembering random details from internet searches she did on Johnny. But the fugues become more frequent and every time she is with then-Johnny and they have the relationship that she wants with now-Johnny. But he continues to ignore her in the coffee shop. Their relationship never goes past that until Emm slips into a fugue state at his front door. He brings her into his house and helps her once she comes out of the fugue.....and this finally opens a door to a more personal relationship for the two of them.

I want to describe every detail of this book because I loved it so much. But I don’t want to say anything else about it because I want everyone else to have the OMG moments I had while reading it. The surprise, the joy, and the sadness - everything. Oh, and in case you’re wondering....yes, there is plenty of hot monkey sex going on in this book. PLENTY. But this is so much more than an erotic novel. It is a beautiful story of true love, and while it does make you suspend some disbelief here and there, it always comes across as completely believable....even if you know that it isn’t.

I can’t stress enough the amount of love I have for this book. Please do yourself a favor and read it. Like....right now.

*ARC provided by NetGalley

Review: Acquired Taste

Acquired Taste by Shayla Kersten

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

When I read this, I didn't realize it was a sequel. Maybe that's the reason I felt like I was missing something. The story just seemed to start in a weird place....and now I know why.

The story revolves around Jeff and Ollie. They've been together for a few months, but Jeff can't wrap his head around the relationship. He loves Ollie, but he can't admit it. Maybe this is his first gay relationship? I'm not sure. Maybe it's explained in the first book? Jeff is about to walk away from Ollie for good - but he wants one more sexual encounter. During this encounter, Jeff lets Ollie go all BDSM on him....and he realizes he really likes it. And he realizes he can't walk away from Ollie as easily as he thought he might be able to. Their feelings for each other are finally vocalized and what was supposed to be breakup sex ends up being just the opposite.

I have only recently gotten into reading M/M erotica, and when it's well done, it's hot. This story didn't really do anything for me. The sex had some hot moments, but nothing that left me panting. Like I said earlier, I think the problem was that I didn't read the first book. And now after having read the sequel - and having it leave me sort of meh, I don't have the desire to read book 1. I know it would explain the backstory and give me some insight into the characters and why Jeff has such an issue with being in a sexual relationship with Ollie, but I just don't care enough to bother.

To anyone reading this - if you've read the first book Icing On The Cake, please let me know your thoughts on it....and if it's worth my time.

Review: Hot Moon Rising

Hot Moon Rising by Desiree Holt

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

Um....yea. I don't really know what to say about this short except that I'm glad it was a free download from Amazon. But that half hour it took me to read it is time I'll never get back.

So, the story is basically - human man loves shapeshifter woman. He drives by her house and watches her (STALKER!) and hopes to catch a glimpse of her as a wolf (BESTIALITY STALKER!). She lets him catch glimpses of her from time to time.....but she usually doesn't let him approach her....until one night. On this night, he approaches her while she's in wolf form, and she nudges his hand and then licks his crotch. AND HE THINKS IT'S HOT. For a second there, I thought this was going to turn into some full fledged man fucking she-wolf action. Thankfully....no.....it didn't actually go there. But still....creepy. I don't mind shapeshifters. And I don't mind humans who don't mind shapeshifters. But when the human wants to fuck the shapeshifter while she's in animal form.....well.....that isn't anything I want to know about. Ewwww.

This book was just bad. It didn't work for me on any level, and the only reason I managed to even finish the thing was because it was so short. My interest disappeared after the wolf licked the guys crotch and he boned up from it. Just....no.

Review: Stockholm Seduction

Stockholm Seduction by Lily Harlem

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

In case you didn't guess by the title - it's a kidnapping tale. Only, it's not a pretend kidnapping. Penny is on vacation in Australia and she's been eyeing this cute guy on the beach for a while. She's exiting a bathroom when bag is thrown over her head and she's overpowered and taken away. She wakes up tied to a mattress and she's blindfolded.

Her kidnapper just so happens to be the cute guy she's been eyeing at the beach. Turns out, a friend of his is in trouble with officials in another country and Penny's dad is high up in the government....and can possibly help out with the situation. And Kidnapper Guy (I don't think his name was ever given) hatched a plot to force the hand of Penny's dad to get the friend out of trouble.

So Penny is all tied up and being held hostage and stuff - and the whole time she's got the hots for Kidnapper Guy. She tries to seduce him, and he really wants to give in, but he doesn't want to add rape to the charges that he'll likely already face. And Penny informs him that it isn't rape if she's begging him to do her.

Eventually Kidnapper Guy gives in and he and Penny have hot monkey sex. And then the cops show up and Kidnapper Guy flees the scene and the story ends.

Ok. So, the sex is hot....I will give it that. And the makings of a good story are there, but giving the short length of the piece, there just wasn't enough time to fully develop anything. This should have been a long novella, at least. I think if there had been more time to flesh out the story, it wouldn't have come across as sort of creepy. I've read books with kidnap fantasies in them before, but this was the first one that portrayed an actual kidnapping. These people didn't know each other and they weren't playing out a sex fantasy. Even though Penny was attracted to Kidnapper Guy before he kidnapped her and the sex was consensual (in fact, Penny sort of begged him....), it still came off a little creepy to me. Especially when he just disappeared at the end.

If there had been more build up between the two characters - a sort of getting to know you period before they got busy with the sexytimes - I don't think the creepy factor be an issue. And for sure there should have been an epilogue. What happened after the cops broke in and just found Penny there.....all breathless from the hot kidnapper sex she just had?

Overall - the idea of the story worked for me, but the execution of it did not. Three stars is sort of my meh rating. Meaning, I didn't love it and I didn't hate it. I would like to see the author take this story and turn it into a fully fleshed out novel. I think that has a lot of wonderful possibilities. But until then, my opinion on Stockholm Seduction is just meh.

Review: Emerald Green

Emerald Green by Desiree Holt

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

This story was just terrible. TER-A-BUL. Its only saving grace? It was FREE from Amazon.

So, Meredith catches her fiance in bed with two of her bridesmaids and she flees to go stay with grandmother at the bed and breakfast that she owns. On day 1 in town, Meredith is heading into the jewelry story/candy shop (yes, really...) and she meets a handsome stranger, Connor, who buys here a ridiculously pricey pendant of emeralds. And some fudge. And she gets in the car with him and they drive off to a secluded location for some sexy times.

Ok, so I knew going into this book that it was going to be all sex. I'm ok with that, really I am. But the story and the sex at least have to be good. In the case of this book - neither were. It had the potential, but it never bothered to go past that. The story was bad. The sex scenes were poorly written. And for the love of Jesus, if I read about Connor's eyes being whiskey-colored or his voice being as warm as honey one more time, I was going to throw my Kindle across the room. Seriously, you can't keep using the same phrase over and over and OVER again. ESPECIALLY in a story this short. I was like, yea....I remember they were whiskey-colored....because you JUST TOLD ME THAT two pages ago! Jesus H. Christ.

Now to another thing that pissed me off. The magic emeralds that were on the pendant that Connor bought for Meredith. Really? Magic fucking rocks? AGAIN? Good Lord. Again, I wanted to throw my Kindle and scream at it "MAGIC ROCKS WILL ALWAYS BE STUPID AND COMPLETELY UNBELIEVABLE IN ANY CONTEMPORARY STORY!" For real, you guys.....stop it with the magic rocks. Maybe, maybe they are appropriate in a paranormal romance, you know, when there are other magical elements in play. But in any situation other than PNR, well....it's just laughable. Well, at least the heroine didn't shove the magic rocks up her vadge this time. And.....that brings me to the next part that was just wrong....

Remember the fudge that Connor bought in the jewelry/candy shop? Well.....Connor thought it would be sexy to eat it OUT OF MEREDITH'S VAGINA. He actually sticks it up in her hoo-ha....sort of fucks her with it.....lets it get all melty and then he sucks it out of her vadge. Excuse me while I throw up! Now, I'm not opposed to, say, chocolate sauce or whipped cream being licked off a body. That's kind of hot. But it stays on the OUTSIDE of the body. It does not venture into any orifices that aren't a face mouth. All I could think when I read about the vadge fudge is "screaming yeast infection". And believe me.....nothing is less sexy than a screaming yeast infection.

Oh, and I forgot to mention.....they're doing all of this on a secluded beach. On sand. Yea, they put a blanket down.....but we all know that sand goes where it wants. So, not only does she have fudge in her va-jay-jay, but I imagine that she got some sand up in there too. And then Connor gets her to get in the ocean with him and he proceeds to wash out her vagina with seawater. Gross, disgusting seawater. Meredith's vagina is quickly becoming the scariest place on Earth.

So, after all the beach banging and fudge packing, Connor drives Meredith back to her car and they go their separate ways. And then the story gets worse. (Yes, it can go down from there....) Meredith wakes up from a nap and she's holding this book about emeralds. One that she's never seen before. And she's wearing the emerald pendant that Connor bought her. But she thinks it's a dream and then the mystery guest that has also been staying at Granny's B&B comes downstairs and offers to take Meredith and Granny to dinner. AND IT'S CONNOR. But he acts like he's never met Meredith before.

Was the whole thing a dream? Was it real and he's just playing coy? If the story didn't suck so much, I would probably care. But I don't.

And really, the one star rating might be one star too many. Yea, it's that bad.

Review: A Bit Of Rough

A Bit of Rough by Lucy Felthouse

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This story is super short, super HOT, and totally worth your time. There isn't much any time for character development, but the story is built on stereotypes that we all know - the buff-as-hell man-whore and the chick who just wants to get laid.

And really, who needs or wants character development when you're reading a story that is purely sex. Nothing but crazy, mind-blowing, hot monkey sex.

The story is basically this - Alison sees Drew in a bar. He's hot, tattooed, and possibly not the brightest crayon in the box. He's bragging about how many women he's bagged - and yes....that's always a turn off. But when you're horny Alison and you're staring at Mr. Sure-Thing, well, who cares? She waits for him to come on to her, which he does - man-whores are so predictable - and they go back to his place for some, well, you know.

And like I said, there is some crazy hot monkey sex here. Like, "I needed to fan myself and have a cigarette after reading it" kind of hot. And I don't smoke! WOWZA.

There is no happily ever after for these characters, because Drew isn't the guy you happily ever after with. No. He's the guy you have labeled as "booty call" on your cell phone. That's it. THAT is the happily ever after!

Now....my question is this. Where can I buy a "Drew" and how soon can he be delivered to me?

Review: Tigerlily

Tigerlily by Charlotte Stein

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This was such an odd little sexy book. I don't even really know how to categorize it. I've been trying to think of descriptive words for it. These are the ones that came to mind right away: whimsical and mystical. It was like a smokey dream sequence from a movie. Like, maybe it was real or maybe it was someone having a dream.....but you weren't really quite sure. Sexual whimsy. That's how I'm going to describe it. And it was like no other romance I've ever read. (And that ain’t a bad thing.)

One day, Mae sees this man running through the fields behind her house. He's handsome, yes, but he also seems hurt. Oh, yes and he's deliciously naked. She finally catches up to him and she isn't sure about him. He doesn't know his name, where he's from, and he responds oddly to being called "human". Mae immediately thinks either she's crazy or he is. Eventually, she talks him into coming back to her house with her.....and she notices the cuts on his arms have already healed. Like, 5 minutes ago he had wounds.....now he has none. Odd, indeed. He's not ashamed to be walking around butt-ass nekkid and is also mystified by things such as water faucets and telephones. Ok. Now Mae really thinks she's crazy. Just to prove to herself that she's not imagining him.....she calls a friend and has the friend speak to Mr. Nekkid-No-Name. Sure enough, the friend can hear him.....so at least Mae knows SHE'S not the crazy one. Then Mr. Nekkid-No-Name calls Mae by her name.....and she knows that she hasn't told him this information. This is the point when I would start to really freak out. But there's something about the guy that Mae just can't make herself fear. Finally she tells him that she needs to call him something and he says that he's always liked the name Sam. So from here on out....Mr. Nekkid-No-Name is Sam.

The whole mystical-whimsical ambiance continues throughout the entire book - and it works - because even though Mae knows that Sam is real, he still has this unrealistic quality to him that she just can’t wrap her mind around. It’s like she knows him from somewhere, but can’t remember where. Or maybe he’s some sex god or demon.....she just doesn’t know. But as the hours tick on, she remains drawn to him. He’s almost child-like in his wonder of everything - the water in the faucet, the phone, and Mae. They share some sort of connection - sexual, romantical (if that’s a word)....whatever you want to call it. When Mae feels aroused, so does Sam. When Mae feels pleasure from a touch or a kiss, so does Sam. Good God - to know a man with the power to know what turns you on because he can actually FEEL IT turning you on - seriously, that thought is almost too much to comprehend. And there is some delicious sex in these pages. I won’t go as far to classify it as hot monkey sex - although it is hot....but it seems to go deeper than that. (No pun intended.) It seems not to be just sex for the sake of orgasm, but sex for the sake of orgasm and emotional connection and healing of the spirit. Or something like that. I don’t know how to explain it. All I know is that I read the sex scenes with a little bit of “oh yea, that’s hot” and a whole lot of “awwww......how touching”.

But why is Sam there? What brought him to Mae? Well, Mae is sad, depressed, and lonely. Her parents were killed, though it isn’t explained how, and she’s hasn’t been herself in quite a while. Is Sam there to bring her back? Is he really real or is he just something Mae made up to help her heal? Do I know for sure? Yes and no. I have my ideas on what exactly Sam is. Although it IS explained what/who he is.....I think there is another layer to that, but I’m not going to say because either a) I’m wrong and you’ll think I’m a dumbass or b) I’m right and it will prevent everyone from drawing their own conclusions. So.....my advice is for you to read it, let it swirl around in your head, and then figure it out for yourself. And if you want to email me and discuss it later, well, that’s ok too.

Review: Talk To Me

Talk to Me by Cassandra Carr

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

The story revolves around Jamie, the new producer for a NYC radio sports talk show, and Drew, a former professional hockey player and host of the sports talk show. Jamie is a new comer to New York - she’s gorgeous and perhaps a bit shy....and she has a fetish for great shoes! Drew is a hot hunk of a man....known as “the Beast”, and that moniker doesn’t necessarily refer to his behavior on the ice, either.

At first, Drew and Jamie keep their relationship completely professional. But they can’t fight the attraction they feel and eventually Jamie gives in. Drew catches her, um, alone....listening to a recording of his voice. Sexy!! And it makes Drew realize that maybe he underestimated his new coworker. Maybe she isn’t quite the blushing flower that she appears to be. And the hotness only goes up from there. There’s lots of sex....smoking hot sex. But with that comes confusion and miscommunication between the two of them. You see, both Jamie and Drew have a gotten hurt in the past. Jamie has a habit of making bad man choices and Drew has walled off his heart for fear of it getting broken again. But neither of them can deny that this relationship isn’t “just sex”....even though they both tell themselves that’s all it’s going to be.

*SIGH* I will always love a book that features a strong, yet tortured Alpha-male and a strong female who doesn’t put up with his bullshit. At the core of this story, there are two people who have both suffered due to previous relationships and both are scared of history repeating itself. And maybe, just maybe, this thing they have is real and can help them both heal up the scars that the past has left behind.

Part of me wants so badly to label Drew as a possessive asshole who is just using Jamie. But I can’t. Despite his douchebaggery, he’s really just scared. His saving grace is his constant inner-monologue that acknowledges his douchebaggy ways. He knows he’s being a dick and that he is handling his relationship with Jaime the wrong way....but he just couldn’t help himself. (Hey, at least he’s self-aware!) And yes, his actions kind of border on caveman at times....but, it’s kinda hot. Who doesn’t want a man that wants you so bad that he goes a little crazy? We’d all be lying if we said we didn’t want a man to fight and beg for us. It’s not like he’s clubbing Jamie over the head and dragging her back to his cave. Maybe he’s not perfect, but that’s what makes his character so real and ultimately, so lovable. And when Drew’s walls finally do come down, my insides melted. It was just delicious.

I loved absolutely everything about this book. The characters - the hot monkey sex - the ending - and most importantly....Drew turning out to be the man we hoped he was all along. *Swoon.....* This will be one of those go-to books that I’ll pick up and read bits and pieces of when I want to feel all melty and swoony. I’m pretty sure swoony isn’t a word....but you know what I mean.

And PS....just in case you didn’t know - hockey players are the hottest athletes. 

Review: Take Your Pick

Take Your Pick by Jasmine Haynes

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Ok. This just might be one of the dirtiest books I have ever read. Not that "dirty" is a bad thing. I'm just saying - this book isn't for the faint of heart. There is M/F, M/F/M, M/M/F, and M/M. Yep - it coves it all. There's also oral, anal, and plain ole va-jay-jay sex. BUT! Thankfully.....there are also a lot of condoms. I love it when a dirty book uses condoms. It just makes it feel less dirty somehow. Like - "Hey, they may like their hot monkey sex upside down, up the butt, and back again - but at least they're safety conscious!"

The story revolves around Rena - a beautiful, powerful business executive. She's involved with Grant - a handsome, powerful business executive. Together, they have awesome, kinky, powerful business executive sex. And - they also happen to have an open relationship. That is, until one night when Grant decides that he wants to be exclusive. Although Rena is totally into Grant, she feels that she can't get everything she needs from him alone. She feels he withholds his passionate side from her. Although she is sexually satisfied with him.....it's missing something....wild, unrestrained passion. That something - well - Rena gets it from Karl. Karl is her hot contractor. And he is 100% pure passion. He'll grab her as she walks in her house and fuck her up against a wall, or on a countertop, or the floor.....whenever and wherever the mood strikes. He also loves to fuck her after she leaves Grant's bed. The smell of another man on her turns him on. (Yea, he's a dirty boy....!)

During Rena and Karl's hot monkey sex session.....Rena happens to mention that Grant wants to be exclusive. Meaning, she would have to give Karl up and neither one of them wants that to happen. Rena can't decide who she wants more (or rather - whose fucking she can do without). Karl suggests that she fuck both him and Grant - together - and decide then.

Grant agrees - somewhat reluctantly - and this is where the crazy stuff gets really crazy and really dirty.

I'm not about to go into detail about the crazy sexcapades that go down in this book. Instead, I'll just use a few key words: raunchy, menage, balls, licking, 69, and so on and so forth.

If you're looking for a sweet book where the characters make love to each other, this ain't that book. Oh sure, the characters care about each other and everything is consensual - but make no mistake about it - this book is about fucking. There's enough plot to move the characters from one orgasm to the next, but did I happen to mention that this book is all about the fucking? It's not about some pansy-ass plot points. It's about fucking. Hot monkey sex. Menage. Fucking.

Did I mention fucking?

Review: Reawakening

Reawakening by Charlotte Stein

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This was the first book that I was really nervous about reading and reviewing. An ARC was given to me by the author, as well as an opportunity to have her do a guest blog on my website. (No pressure!) After I agreed to it, I was scared. What if I ended up hating the book? I had never read anything by Charlotte Stein (although I do have two of her books in my TBR pile). I had never read any books about zombies. This had all the makings of situation that could go horribly, horribly wrong. Would I lie about the book and just say I liked it, even if I didn't? It was with all of these trepid thoughts that I began to read Reawakening.

Turns out, my fears proved to be completely unfounded because I loved the book! (Whew!)

A zombie apocalypse has taken over and there are very few humans left. June has been fighting them off for the past two years when she is rescued by Jamie and taken to a remote island. The only other inhabitant of this little island is Blake. Two hot guys and one chick. The only humans left (that they know of). I'll admit, this book was much different than some of the books I've read lately. You know, the ones where the characters are having hot monkey sex by page 3. Yea. THOSE books. It took me about 25 pages of constantly thinking "is this when they all have sex?" to realize that this isn't one of THOSE books. Oh yea, there's sex.....hot sex.....but not until much later on. Once I chilled out on the sex front, I was able to delve into the world where flesh-eating zombies roamed free.

The beginning of the book plays out in a way that I can only describe as unsettling. Like, I was constantly on edge, as if someone was hovering behind me with their fingernails poised over a chalkboard.....and I never knew when they were going to screech their nails down on it. It wasn't tense as in "OMG, I'm so scared" kind of way, it was just....unsettling. I was always a little confused, and I would go back a page or two and read a little bit, thinking maybe I had missed something. Then I finally realized - DUH! I'm supposed to be unsettled....zombies have taken over the fucking planet. How ELSE am I supposed to feel? For all those tense moments, you're right there with the heroine, June, wondering if a zombie is lurking around the next corner waiting to eat her face off.

After Jamie gets June to the island, things are a little tense and awkward for all of those involved. June is constantly thinking that Jamie and Blake will turn into zombies at any moment. She barely speaks to them and they basically just walk on eggshells around her.....trying not to spook her anymore than they know she already is. (If anyone qualifies for a major case of PTSD, it's a chick who's been fighting zombies 24/7 for the past 2 years.)

Eventually, June loosens us around them a little and they all sort of become friends. They share meals, play endless games of Scrabble, but the tiptoeing around each other continues. (Sexual tension, much?) And then June has a sex dream about them which awakens all of these sexual feelings that she has shelved for the past 2+ years. The sex dreams continue, although she doesn’t tell the boys about them. She thinks they aren’t attracted to her and then she finds out they think she is a lesbian. But eventually, it happens. She makes out with Jamie, and that’s as far as it gets. For now. And at some point, she makes out with Blake as well. It isn’t until they fly back to the mainland in search of supplies that things go from heavy petting to hot monkey sex. While searching for supplies (like food and fuel), Jane’s dumb ass decides to venture out in search of condoms, gets spotted by a zombie, and has to fight it off. She kills it and that’s when the guys realize that this bitch can take care of herself - though they’re not happy with her running off on her own. This whole escapade prompts June and Jamie to have a little talk, wherein they discuss the fact she has sex on the brain - hence the need for condoms - and the fact that Jamie and Blake also have sex on the brain, but they don’t want to freak her out by saying “Hey, yea, I know it’s the zombie apocalypse and all, but do you wanna have a threeway?” Ok, so no one ever says that, exactly, but that’s the subtext. How June could have ever thought they didn’t want her is beyond me. I mean, if there’s ever a sure way to get laid, it’s to make sure you are the ONLY KNOWN FEMALE LEFT ON THE PLANET.

Eventually, they all get to the hot monkey threeway sex part. And it is H.O.T. And Jamie even pops out the “I love you” during one of the threeways. (Good timing, dude!) And because these three dumbass kids can’t communicate with each other worth a damn, feelings get mixed up, there’s the whole Jamie / Blake “she loves you more - no she loves YOU more” stuff. I swear, even during a fucking zombie apocalypse, guys are still so damn thick-headed stubborn and stupid.

The thing is, June has fallen for both guys - in completely different ways and it takes almost losing one of them to a zombie that made it to the island for them to all realize that their threeway love circle could actually work.

I glazed over a lot - obviously, cause I don’t want to give it all away.....but this book just worked for me on so many levels. Like I said at the beginning, I was completely unsettled by the writing. I didn’t enjoy that at first; I didn’t understand it. I’m not used to reading romance/erotica that sort of gives me the heebie-geebies in a way that has nothing to do with anything sexual. As I continued through the book, I realized that the unsettling was a very deliberate effort to do just that.....unsettle me. It was saying - Don’t get too comfortable.....this ain’t your average erotica tale.

There’s also a great deal of humor in this book. I pulled out a ton of quotes to list in my review and I decided that I really didn’t want to pull them out of context for those that are going to read the book. But I will give you my favorite quote from the book: “Porn always made this look so easy. The guy had a cock the size of a ham hock? No problem! Just shove it right up that chick’s ass—hell, she could probably take it in her nostril if you push hard enough.”

And finally.....the scariest thing in the book? Learning that Miley Cyrus songs survived the zombie apocalypse. For fuck’s sake. ;)

*ARC provided by the author

Guest Blog: Author Charlotte Stein

First off - I need to say that I am seriously geeked out by having my very first guest blogger - author Charlotte Stein! Not only did she pop my guest blogger cherry, but she has a new book out that she will discuss below.

The brilliance of the internet, particularly Twitter, is that you get to interact with people that you would never otherwise know or communicate with. One of the main reasons I wanted to start this book blog was to meet other people with a similar taste in books. Then low and behold, I get to meet and chat with authors of erotic romance novels, the genre that I have come to love so very much. The mind....it boggles.

Now on to Ms. Stein's post. Enjoy!

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When Kristy said I could guest post on her blog about my latest book, I was very nervous and excited. And then even more nervous and excited, because she said she’d never had a guest before.

Never had a guest before! On this fabulous blog with its fabulous name and its load of fabulously funny, honest, brilliant reviews of lots of books I love almost as much as Kristy probably does. I mean, she loved Willing Victim. Of course she’s cool.

And she’s a geek who loves erotic romance, like me! Hooray!

But enough about how much we both love geeky things and erotic romance. Onto my book, which is out now and is all about...well...geeky erotic romance-y things. Like zombies and people having threesomes and the apocalypse and stuff.

Behold, the blurb:

June has spent the last two years of her life trying to avoid death at the hands of murderous psychopaths and ravening zombies. So when Jamie turns up on the scene, careless, still whole and promising her safety on a little paradise island, she isn’t quite sure she can trust him. Especially when he tells her that it’s just him, and his equally big, burly, handsome friend Blake.

But Jamie and Blake are even better than her wildest dreams—sweet and funny and charming. And worst of all: sexy as hell. Though they're trying to be gentlemanly with her, all she can think about is how much she wants to get tangled up in them, and forget the nightmare the world has become. She's waiting for her reawakening—back to life and happiness and love.

And they seem like just the right sort of men to wake her—body and soul.

And an excerpt:

All June could think was—Kelsey is dead, Kelsey is dead, Kelsey is dead—while the image of the ravening hordes feasting on Kelsey’s body played behind her eyes. She tried to shut it off, keep it down, keep running before they got to her, but Kelsey’s blood was still wet and all over her right arm.

And if Jamie hadn’t shot Kelsey—right as she was still screaming, and begging for help—she’d be one of them, now. That’s what happened. Once they bit you or bled on you or hell, spat on you, you had maybe thirty seconds.

Before you turned. She needed to stop, just stop for a second. Lean against something and catch

her breath. But Jamie had somehow led them into this building and he just kept running and running—only up instead of out.

June didn’t even know if Jamie was really his name, or if he was leading them right into a dead end. But he kept going, none-the-less.

She could hear the hordes, busting through the door below. He’d barred it, but they were coming in anyway, to this place that was an almost total deathtrap. The staircase was narrow and blanketed in darkness, one winding section after the next. Even if she dared to pause and look over the railing, she wouldn’t be able to see them until they were almost on her.

“Jamie, wait!” she shouted, but not because things would be easier if he had hold of her hand or was there to comfort her in this dire hour of need. She’d made it this far, on her own.

Or at least, she’d made it this far, with Kelsey.

No, it was just that—if he kept going, eventually they’d be trapped, on the roof. And she couldn’t have that. That was one of her and Kelsey’s rules—don’t run to someplace with only one exit.

Only it was just her rule, now. This guy, this Jamie...he didn’t seem to have any rules. He’d decided to run to the roof of a twenty story building then potentially wait outside until the hordes pushed through a probably very flimsy fire door.

Kelsey had said to her. She had said—wait. He’s as crazy as they are. A safe island? He’s nuts. We can’t go with him. He’s probably an insane apocalypse rapist.

And she’d been right, God help her. Maybe not about the insane apocalypse rapist part, but even so and besides—there was still time for that. He could be anyone, be into anything. He could have planned this all along...Kelsey’s death, the run to the roof...hell, maybe he had a whole party of insane assholes up there, just waiting to do horrible things to her.

Even if that was as nuts as he now seemed. Why would he trap himself on the roof, just to have a little fun with her? Nothing in her head was functioning in quite the way it should. Connections had been lost. Wiring had come loose.

She still called out to him again, when they got to the level before the last one. Her voice came out hoarse and breathless, burning lungs making everything difficult, Kelsey in her mind making everything worse. But somehow the words emerged.

“Jamie, stop. Take the nineteenth floor exit, okay—we can go back down on the other side of the building—answer me, fuck!”

He did, then. She heard him call out over her own shrieking breaths, the pounding of her sneakers on stone, and the sounds of the once-were-people below,

slathering and barking like animals.

There were two cracks, like he’d fired her gun into the stairwell. Though she couldn’t see where he was shooting or at what. Then—

“Just keep following me, June-bug—come on!”

Only it sounded more like come own, because of the Texan twang Kelsey had sworn up and down was fake. And he’d called her June-bug again, because he was crazy, he was crazy, oh dear Lord he was probably leading them to their deaths.

This was all just some final mad hurrah. He was suicidal, and this was how he wanted to go out. Death by stairs or death by zombies—because they were zombies, no matter how much she tried to pretend otherwise—or even worse, death by roof.

Was that what he was going to do? Hurl himself off? Plummet to his untimely end? She didn’t know. All she could really think about was how close the first ravening cannibal was getting, and how unfit she really was. She’d started believing all the cardio was really beginning to pay off, but as it turned out, eighteen flights of stairs and she was out for the count. Her heart clawed at her ribcage. Her thigh muscles screamed and screamed.

While her zombie pals kept coming and coming, as though the stairs were nothing, really. Why, leaping up eighteen flights was like a morning stroll to them! They could have climbed these stairs forever and still had the wherewithal to eat her innards, once they got their claw-like hands on her.

She hit the fire door to the roof just as one of said claw-like hands brushed the back of her shirt.

It made everything inside her leap, including the heart she’d thought had escaped. Whenever they got really close—that was when you realized just how terrible they were. How awful the world had become. How much it wasn’t like a movie at all, but like a constant and unbearable pressure against your sanity, always threatening to make you go over.

She felt like going over, when the door wouldn’t close on them. For a second of pushing and heaving with their hands coming through and all over her, her mind tried to fly away. It told her to start screaming uncontrollably, while clawing at herself—that doing so would really be her best bet. No more running constantly. No more pain over Kelsey—and before Kelsey, Joanne and Pat and the old lady whose name she never learned.

Just peace, finally. One moment of agony, then peace.

Only it wouldn’t be, would it? No, it wouldn’t be. If she stopped pushing at the door and jamming it at them and just God, let the door snap their arms, let it crush

them, let it kill them all forever, if she stopped...they’d turn her into one of them. And no matter how much she tried to let it hurt her that Jamie had pointed the gun and shot Kelsey between the eyes, it didn’t. It couldn’t.

Being one of them was worse. After all, it could have been that they’d caught a disease. It might have been that they were infected with something—like in 28 Days Later, rather than Night of the Living Dead. But part of her wondered whenever she stared into their hollow, ink-black eyes, if they’d simply lost their souls.

He looked like it. The one who’d managed to squeeze his mottled face into the crack she was struggling to close in the door. He had no pupils, no irises, no whites to his eyes. It was all just blackness, empty and weirdly unseeing, as though they operated on no more than a bloodlust now. Like upright land sharks roaming the land, blindly searching out prey.

She wrenched the door from him for just an instant then smashed it back into his face. It was a risky move, but oh so worth it. Worth it for the satisfaction, worth it for Kelsey, worth it for everything these things had taken from everyone. People’s souls hadn’t left. These things had stolen them.

And when it slithered away and the door quite abruptly shut, the idea didn’t go with it. It stayed, and festered—so much so that she wanted to open the door for one mad moment, just to smash it back in their faces again, and again, and again.

She wanted to, but Jamie was calling to her. And other sounds were starting to flood through her now, too, other big, big sounds that she should have noticed ages ago.

At first she thought it was some kind of weapon. That he’d found a chainsaw or a pneumatic drill or a wood chipper. Something he’d known was up here all along for them to use against the enemy.

But then the wind whipped up and she turned to see something far more incredible than a zombie eating wood chipper. It was so incredible that she forgot the zombies battering on the fire door, for a second. They’d bust through it soon enough because although they couldn’t figure out handles, the sheer pressure of them would figure out the release bar.

Though it didn’t seem to matter. For the first time in these two years of hell, it didn’t matter. She found herself laughing out loud, high and probably hysterical.

Jamie had only gone and gotten himself a helicopter. And not only that, but he apparently knew how to fly a helicopter. The rotors were going. They were kicking up the fine gravel that lined the roof of whatever building this was, and he was yelling to her—

“Come on, June-bug, get your ass in here!”

She thought of him talking about the island. About his buddy who was waiting for them. How they’d just wanted to find survivors, and populate their safe haven, and how crazy that had sounded when he first started yakking about it.

Then she ran to him.

And finally, the link:

Reawakening (Forever Dead Series, Book One) by Charlotte Stein

Thanks a million for having me, Kristy! It’s been a blast.

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Ok - It's me, Kristy, again. *blushes* She's thanking me! No, really, Charlotte, the pleasure has been all mine!

Connect with the fabulous Charlotte Stein:  Goodreads, Twitter, and Blogger.

Buy her other books:  Amazon US, Amazon UK or Barnes & Noble

Review: The Virgin and the Playboy

The Virgin and the Playboy by Kate Richards

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I swear. I should know better than to read these novellas and expect the HEA that I want! Damn it. If you've EVER read any of my reviews, you know that more often than not I need that confirmation that everything all worked out. Even though I know they got their happily ever after - I need PROOF!! I need it spelled out for me in black and white. I can't just be expected to use my own imagination to picture how everything plays out AFTER the last page! I mean - I'm the READER! I have to use MY imagination?? What the what? But seriously.....

Even though it left me wanting more - I loved this novella. It tells the story of Julia and Mark. Julia somehow managed to graduate from college with her virginity intact. At this point, she just wants to get her cherry popped and be done with it. She's tired of it holding her back. So, she consults this website called 1NightStand.com and arranges for (you guessed it) a one night stand with a hot playboy type. She didn't tell the site she was a virgin.....thinking that would be breaking rules or something.

So, she goes to this Vegas hotel to meet Mark. Mark is the hot guy that rarely sleeps with the same girl twice.....he is, as the kids say, a player. He's usually seen with the overly blonde, fake breasted women. He joins up with the 1NightStand.com site on a dare from his friends. Who knew the dare would lead to Julia - who turns his world upside down in just a few hours.

Y'all, when I say the sex is hot - I mean it is H.O.T. Crazy hot monkey bed sex and even hotter monkey shower sex. And not only that, Mark and Julia actually make an emotional connection. She's real in a way that the women he usually dates are not. (I'm not just talking about boobs.) Julia is sweet, honest, and genuine. Mark - who you want to think of as just a doucebag - really isn't. Even though he is (was?) a player.....deep down, he is a nice guy who just never met the right girl.

This is a super quick read that will only leave you wanting to know more about Mark and Julia. It's sexy and sweet and has a lot of heart, considering it is an erotic novella. I loved it......I just wanted more of it.

Review: Breaking The Silence

Breaking The Silence by Katie Allen

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I have a soft spot for a tortured hero. I can't help it. There is nothing that melts my butter any quicker than a big strong ox of a man with issues and a shy, sensitive side. And that describes our protagonist to a T. William is a quiet computer programmer who moved around his whole life, but he's finally settled into a beautiful house in icy Minnesota. He works from home, doesn't leave the house much, and has no social life to speak of. The best part of his day is looking out of his window to see this woman walking her dog. He doesn't know what it is about her, but he is drawn to her and he lives for the moments when he can catch a glimpse of her from his bedroom window. Yea, I know. It sounds terribly creepy, but it's not. William is just painfully shy and he can't get up the nerve to go and talk to her. The most he can do is masturbate to thoughts of her while he is in the shower. Again, I know that sounds creepy....but it's not. He's PAINFULLY shy. So shy that he is 28 years old and he's never really been on ANY dates, he’s never kissed a girl, and yes, he is a virgin.

The woman he watches is Jenny. She’s 26 and works in a comfy little cubicle at an engineering firm. Her cube-mate is her gay BFF, Chris. One day while Jenny was in Chris’s cube, trying to fix his screwed up email, the office asshole, Evan, approaches them. It was common knowledge that Evan was into Jenny. The office even had a betting pool going as to when he would finally ask her out. Turns out, today’s the day. Of course, Jenny turns him down.....lying and saying that she just started seeing someone and that he just might be “the one”. Evan doesn’t exactly believe her, but at least it gets him to leave her alone. For now, at least.

That afternoon turns out to be the time when Will finally gets up the nerve to go out to the walking path to meet Jenny. She was walking and not paying attention.....and she almost bumps into him. They share awkward introductions, and Jenny is amazed by how handsome and shy this Norse God of a man is. As the days go by, Will continues to meet up with Jenny and her dog Rosie for walks. One one of these walks, Jenny asks Will to go with her to a work reception. Eagerly, Will says yes. Yes to their first date....which turns out to be his first date with anybody, not just with Jenny. Although Will isn’t much of a talker at the party, everyone seems to love him - except for Evan. And he is his usual dickish self. Even though Jenny was lying about having a boyfriend when Evan initially asked her out - in fact, she hadn’t even met Will at the time - showing up at the reception with what appeared to be her boyfriend was hopefully enough to ward off Evan the asshole for good. (Although that isn’t why she asked him to go.....Jenny does genuinely like him.)

The party ends and Jenny and Will head back to her place - and on a whim, Jenny asks him to come inside. And the proceed to have ridiculous hot monkey sex. They make it to the bedroom, but only stop long enough to push just enough clothes out of the way to allow some skin on skin contact. (That kind of sex is SERIOUSLY fucking hot.) And despite the fact that Will is a virgin, he sure as hell knows what he’s doing in the bedroom. My guess.....he watched a lot of porn. You know, for instructional purposes. But whatever his methods, he sure managed to turn Jenny’s crank. And afterwards he wanted to cuddle! WTF! Is the perfect? Yes, I think he might be. And Jenny has pretty much drawn the same conclusion.

Their relationship continues on with hot sex, them getting along in every aspect, and Will coming out of his shy and reclusive shell. And then the unthinkable happens - Jenny gets attacked one night and Will comes in on the very end of it and runs the guy off and is left with a broken and shaky Jenny. While trying to comfort her, he keeps moaning over and over again, “not Jenny, not Jenny, not Jenny”. It was hinted at throughout that Will did not have the best childhood. You knew that his lack of dating or sex or kissing even in 28 years stemmed from something other than shyness. After Jenny comes home with him to recover, they finally have the discussion that allows Will to open up about his past and begin to heal and it allows Jenny to heal as well, knowing that someone does know what she’s going through.

The book ended as I had hoped, but you know me.....I wanted one more chapter. An epilogue. Further proof of their happy ever after. I’m really trying to come to terms with my neediness on this front. Really.

I have to say that this review took me FOREVER to write. Why? Because I wanted to write about everything I loved - all the small aspects of Will’s actions and personality that made him one of the sweetest characters that I’ve come across since I’ve been reading romance novels. He was all man, but pure at heart to the point of being almost childlike. He was just an unnaturally sweet soul that just happened to reside in the body of Zeus (as his coworkers called him). His character could have very easily come across as creepy, but he never did. Not one moment in the story made me question Will or his motives. He was genuinely sweet and dear God did I root for him all the way.

I loved everything about this book. This is the second book that I’ve read by this author and I’ve given them both 5 stars.....yet I have never seen this author mentioned on any of the book blogs that I read. Why? She’s fabulous. Her dialogue is charming and funny without being cliche and she knows how create characters that you fall instantly in love with. So please take my advice, check out this book. It’s a beautiful story.....and I dare you not to fall in love with Will! I.Dare.You.