Blog: What, what....in the butt?

Is anal the new oral in hetero romance novels?

No really. Is it? Sure seems that way to me, which is why I felt the need to write this long blog about the phenomenon of rampant buttsecks going on in all of the hetero romance and erotica books that I've been reading lately. It seems like EVERYBODY is doin' it in the butt these days. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not criticizing it. Not at all. But I do feel the need to add my own personal disclaimer that I have never personally attempted it. I've never said no to it....but I've also never had a guy say "hey....can I stick it in your back passage?" (Back passage, you ask? Yes, I've seen it referred to as that in a book. Along with many other phrases that make me go "tee hee" and take me totally out of the would-be sexy moment. But then again, my maturity level is around that of a 12 year old boy, so maybe those phrases are only funny to me.) *more about euphemisms at the end of this post*

Anyway....

Now, maybe I just haven't been around the block as much as many of the heroines I've been reading about. In my head, doing it in the butt requires a lot of trust shared with your partner. Trust you don't gain on the first date. But it seems like they'll just go there right off the bat. And not only is it the guys going there in the girl's butt.....the girls go there too. With their tongues. On the first date. I don't know about you, but when I first meet a guy, I don't always know where he stands on personal hygiene. I mean, he may smell good and all, but Axe body spray can cover up a lot. What it can't cover up is how clean his asshole is. How do I know how if he's squeaky clean back there? Maybe he had Mexican for lunch and didn't shower after his post-Mexican meal visit to the loo. I'm certainly not gonna let my tongue figure that out for me. Hell....I don't even want my finger to figure that out. But, some of our heroines seem more than happy to visit the hero's dark alley on the first date, with no hesitation. And after I read those parts, I just want to go brush my teeth and gargle with bleach.

Yea, I know it's a book.....and we're supposed to imagine that people don't fart in bed and have less than stellar ass-cleaning routines. I get that. After all, romances are fairy tales and everything is supposed to be unicorns, rainbows, and rose-scented assholes. But I can't stop myself from going there. I can't stop imagining all of the disgusting scenarios involving hairy male assholes and the women who want to lick them.

Now, let's talk about the guys who wanna do it in the women's butts, cause I have concerns there as well. First of all, every man in a romance novel is hung like a water buffalo. And it seems like every woman is an anal-virgin. Reality math tells us that huge penis + virgin lady asshole = excruciating pain. But romance novel math tells us that huge penis + virgin lady asshole ÷ some lube = pleasure beyond compare. I do not buy this math. At all. Ask any gay man....and believe me, they know their buttsecks.....but it just doesn't work like that. And it doesn't always go well on the first try. Even with a gallon bucket full of lube. But according to hetero romance and erotica novels....there's a little pinching and then a ton of pleasure. In my head, after I read a scene like this......I'm thinking that this poor woman isn't gonna be able to shit right for a week. (I know, I'm disgusting, but you're the pervert reading my blog about buttsecks, so what does that say about YOU? *wink. just kidding.*)

Another of my pet peeves about buttsecks is that it often happens because the hero and heroine find themselves in a situation where condoms aren't available. And I'm guessing if there aren't any condoms, there isn't any lube either. See my "reality/romance math equations" above. Ouch. And I don't care what the books say - spit isn't considered a lube. There's another whole blog post that I could write about safe sex in romance novels....or lack there of. But I'm not gonna go there in this post. But condomless buttsecks just seems like a bad idea, no matter what the situation. And my mind always goes to the dark place (pun intended).

So, to sum it up - I'm not against buttsecks in my hetero romance. Far from it, actually. At times, it can be super hot. That is, when my mind isn't thinking about cleanliness issues or what a butthole might actually taste like. (Again, I'm disgusting, I know. But you've stuck around this long, pervert. So don't pretend you're all high and mighty and admit it....you've wondered too!)

Now finally - the part of this blog that made me want to write it in the first place.....euphemisms! This was originally inspired by my friend Jen's blog post called Romance Thesaurus. In this post, she covers some of her favorite phrases that, as she says, "have yanked me out of a hot and heavy moment and dropped me straight into giggle-town". For my list, I'm sticking with the ass theme. Here are some of my favorite euphemisms for the back door. Enjoy.....and feel free to add your favorite assphemisms in the comments section.

forbidden channel
dark passage
puckered hole
virgin entrance
clenching pucker of her rear entrance
clenching back hole
now hungry opening of her anus (ewwww)

(Aghhh! I know I have more! I will add them as they come to me. I should have been keeping better notes on the books I've read recently!)