Sunday, August 14, 2011

Blog: What, the butt?

Is anal the new oral in hetero romance novels?

No really. Is it? Sure seems that way to me, which is why I felt the need to write this long blog about the phenomenon of rampant buttsecks going on in all of the hetero romance and erotica books that I've been reading lately. It seems like EVERYBODY is doin' it in the butt these days. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not criticizing it. Not at all. But I do feel the need to add my own personal disclaimer that I have never personally attempted it. I've never said no to it....but I've also never had a guy say "hey....can I stick it in your back passage?" (Back passage, you ask? Yes, I've seen it referred to as that in a book. Along with many other phrases that make me go "tee hee" and take me totally out of the would-be sexy moment. But then again, my maturity level is around that of a 12 year old boy, so maybe those phrases are only funny to me.) *more about euphemisms at the end of this post*


Now, maybe I just haven't been around the block as much as many of the heroines I've been reading about. In my head, doing it in the butt requires a lot of trust shared with your partner. Trust you don't gain on the first date. But it seems like they'll just go there right off the bat. And not only is it the guys going there in the girl's butt.....the girls go there too. With their tongues. On the first date. I don't know about you, but when I first meet a guy, I don't always know where he stands on personal hygiene. I mean, he may smell good and all, but Axe body spray can cover up a lot. What it can't cover up is how clean his asshole is. How do I know how if he's squeaky clean back there? Maybe he had Mexican for lunch and didn't shower after his post-Mexican meal visit to the loo. I'm certainly not gonna let my tongue figure that out for me. Hell....I don't even want my finger to figure that out. But, some of our heroines seem more than happy to visit the hero's dark alley on the first date, with no hesitation. And after I read those parts, I just want to go brush my teeth and gargle with bleach.

Yea, I know it's a book.....and we're supposed to imagine that people don't fart in bed and have less than stellar ass-cleaning routines. I get that. After all, romances are fairy tales and everything is supposed to be unicorns, rainbows, and rose-scented assholes. But I can't stop myself from going there. I can't stop imagining all of the disgusting scenarios involving hairy male assholes and the women who want to lick them.

Now, let's talk about the guys who wanna do it in the women's butts, cause I have concerns there as well. First of all, every man in a romance novel is hung like a water buffalo. And it seems like every woman is an anal-virgin. Reality math tells us that huge penis + virgin lady asshole = excruciating pain. But romance novel math tells us that huge penis + virgin lady asshole ÷ some lube = pleasure beyond compare. I do not buy this math. At all. Ask any gay man....and believe me, they know their buttsecks.....but it just doesn't work like that. And it doesn't always go well on the first try. Even with a gallon bucket full of lube. But according to hetero romance and erotica novels....there's a little pinching and then a ton of pleasure. In my head, after I read a scene like this......I'm thinking that this poor woman isn't gonna be able to shit right for a week. (I know, I'm disgusting, but you're the pervert reading my blog about buttsecks, so what does that say about YOU? *wink. just kidding.*)

Another of my pet peeves about buttsecks is that it often happens because the hero and heroine find themselves in a situation where condoms aren't available. And I'm guessing if there aren't any condoms, there isn't any lube either. See my "reality/romance math equations" above. Ouch. And I don't care what the books say - spit isn't considered a lube. There's another whole blog post that I could write about safe sex in romance novels....or lack there of. But I'm not gonna go there in this post. But condomless buttsecks just seems like a bad idea, no matter what the situation. And my mind always goes to the dark place (pun intended).

So, to sum it up - I'm not against buttsecks in my hetero romance. Far from it, actually. At times, it can be super hot. That is, when my mind isn't thinking about cleanliness issues or what a butthole might actually taste like. (Again, I'm disgusting, I know. But you've stuck around this long, pervert. So don't pretend you're all high and mighty and admit've wondered too!)

Now finally - the part of this blog that made me want to write it in the first place.....euphemisms! This was originally inspired by my friend Jen's blog post called Romance Thesaurus. In this post, she covers some of her favorite phrases that, as she says, "have yanked me out of a hot and heavy moment and dropped me straight into giggle-town". For my list, I'm sticking with the ass theme. Here are some of my favorite euphemisms for the back door. Enjoy.....and feel free to add your favorite assphemisms in the comments section.

forbidden channel
dark passage
puckered hole
virgin entrance
clenching pucker of her rear entrance
clenching back hole
now hungry opening of her anus (ewwww)

(Aghhh! I know I have more! I will add them as they come to me. I should have been keeping better notes on the books I've read recently!)


  1. What I was going to say (but couldn't) on the Twitter is the vast importance of manscaping in this endeavor. You were talking about Mr Mexican food... imagine having to wade through massive tufts of hair, after he's had a long day without a shower... then sticking your tongue in there.

    I won't share anything too personal (without seeing you in person and indulging in at least 3 glasses of wine) but I will say that this kind of thing should require certain preparations on the man's end. (<-- Ha! Ha! Funny pun.)

  2. I'm trying to think of a book I read recently without some butch manly man saying (apparently lustily) to the heroine/fellow hero "someday....I'm going to take you there" (whilst pointing at said orifice)
    ....nope, can't think of one!

    Question is, if anal is the new oral, what will become the new anal?

  3. Yes. It is the new orifice of choice in erotica. As my husband says - especially with menage/multiple. What do the men do, line up with their hands in the air, saying - My turn for the butt! My turn for the butt!
    Sorry, it's just funny and the truth is, it sells. Better read with tongue in cheek - pun intended.

  4. Hilarious post. Made this pervert laugh out loud. :)

  5. Nix....what WILL be the new anal? Indeed.

    I'm not a prude, by any means.....but when I'm having sex, the LAST thing I'm thinking about is my ass and anything going in it. If I am thinking about my's usually something along the lines of "I hope it's dark enough that he can't see all that cellulite."

    And like I told Jennifer, I once had a boyfriend tell me that he didn't mind a finger or two up his butt. He was a very hairy fellow....and, well, I just didn't like him enough to weed-wack my way through his dark forest passage. Plus, he did actually have Mexican that day for lunch. He's actually pretty lucky that I agreed to have sex with him that day at all! That was one gassy bastard. But he knew what he was doing when it came to the sexitimes. Rawr.

  6. Oh Lordy me, don't get me going on the anal-is-the-new-oral trend! I blame Maxim.

    I write lots of nasty sexx0rings, but I've yet to write male-on-female anal. And it's totally because it turns me off, personally. If you love it, by all means go for it (in your bed or your books) but it's really just unsexy to me, to say nothing of incredibly prep-intensive. Nothing about etiquette enemas or santorum gets my motor running. There is no such thing as spontaneous anal, and my characters are often in a rush to defile one another...though of course my m/m books go there. And one m/f pairing, but in that case it was the dude that was anal-curious. Ranty rant rant! Long story short, write what floats your boat. And for me, that ain't anal. Great topic, though!

  7. Great post Kristy!!

    I haven't read too many m/f anal scenes, but you tend to read a bit dirtier than I do. (I seem to remember a story about a magic rock... but I digress.)

    Again, I'm not gonna overshare but I can tell you that the spit thing would be laughable if it didn't sound so painful.

    And as for the super-big dicks in romantic fiction, that is a problem worth a post of its own. If I can't wrap my hand around it or if it hits his navel, I'm running for the hills... no matter what orifice he's pointing it at.

  8. I always think back to that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie was dating that politician guy who wanted her to pee on him. She was all "are we doing this now? Is this a thing?" I'm kind of like that with the whole ladies taking it up the butt thing.

    As far as MY backdoor lady passage.....she prefers it to be exit only, thankyouverymuch. And now that I've TMI'ed everyone.....I bid thee goodnight.

  9. Jen - with the whole big dick thing.....for real. I don't mind reading about it, but realistically....well....I've been with a guy who was fairly large and another who was.....not. (He was Mr. Mexican-fo- lunch guy.) Mr. Big was lazy as FUCK in bed. I'm guessing he thought the big dick was enough. Um, no. (Faked it every time.) Mr. Mexican.....well, he was hung like a hamster but he knew how to work what he had. What he lacked in size, he made up in enthusiasm of the oral variety.

    And like Goldilocks, I've had too big, I've had too small....I'm looking for just right. (Goldilocks....Goldicocks? I'm thinking that is a recycled joke from Sex and the City....but I'm not positive. It's recycled from somewhere though.)

  10. "Clenching pucker of her rear entrance?" That sounds like some sort of irising portal into another dimension.

    "Quick! Dive through the clenching pucker of the rear entrance before the dimensional rift is sealed off forever and we're trapped here!!"

    Clenching pucker indeed.

  11. OMG, funny! I just stopped by to grab your email so I could send you Lust After Death for review (and no—there's no anal. Just zombies. Much less gross. :)

    Anyway, hi-frickin-larious. I write a fair bit of anal, but mostly between dudes. And dudes are in fact gross. And I usually inform the reader that they regularly use butt plugs or somesuch. Or make it clear that the fuck-er's peen is not that enormous.(Works okay in m-m.)

    I don't think a finger requires prep beyond some spit, frankly. But that's just me. :)