Friday, June 24, 2011

Review: Emerald Green

Emerald GreenEmerald Green by Desiree Holt

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

This story was just terrible. TER-A-BUL. Its only saving grace? It was FREE from Amazon.

So, Meredith catches her fiance in bed with two of her bridesmaids and she flees to go stay with grandmother at the bed and breakfast that she owns. On day 1 in town, Meredith is heading into the jewelry story/candy shop (yes, really...) and she meets a handsome stranger, Connor, who buys here a ridiculously pricey pendant of emeralds. And some fudge. And she gets in the car with him and they drive off to a secluded location for some sexy times.

Ok, so I knew going into this book that it was going to be all sex. I'm ok with that, really I am. But the story and the sex at least have to be good. In the case of this book - neither were. It had the potential, but it never bothered to go past that. The story was bad. The sex scenes were poorly written. And for the love of Jesus, if I read about Connor's eyes being whiskey-colored or his voice being as warm as honey one more time, I was going to throw my Kindle across the room. Seriously, you can't keep using the same phrase over and over and OVER again. ESPECIALLY in a story this short. I was like, yea....I remember they were whiskey-colored....because you JUST TOLD ME THAT two pages ago! Jesus H. Christ.

Now to another thing that pissed me off. The magic emeralds that were on the pendant that Connor bought for Meredith. Really? Magic fucking rocks? AGAIN? Good Lord. Again, I wanted to throw my Kindle and scream at it "MAGIC ROCKS WILL ALWAYS BE STUPID AND COMPLETELY UNBELIEVABLE IN ANY CONTEMPORARY STORY!" For real, you guys.....stop it with the magic rocks. Maybe, maybe they are appropriate in a paranormal romance, you know, when there are other magical elements in play. But in any situation other than PNR,'s just laughable. Well, at least the heroine didn't shove the magic rocks up her vadge this time. And.....that brings me to the next part that was just wrong....

Remember the fudge that Connor bought in the jewelry/candy shop? Well.....Connor thought it would be sexy to eat it OUT OF MEREDITH'S VAGINA. He actually sticks it up in her hoo-ha....sort of fucks her with it.....lets it get all melty and then he sucks it out of her vadge. Excuse me while I throw up! Now, I'm not opposed to, say, chocolate sauce or whipped cream being licked off a body. That's kind of hot. But it stays on the OUTSIDE of the body. It does not venture into any orifices that aren't a face mouth. All I could think when I read about the vadge fudge is "screaming yeast infection". And believe me.....nothing is less sexy than a screaming yeast infection.

Oh, and I forgot to mention.....they're doing all of this on a secluded beach. On sand. Yea, they put a blanket down.....but we all know that sand goes where it wants. So, not only does she have fudge in her va-jay-jay, but I imagine that she got some sand up in there too. And then Connor gets her to get in the ocean with him and he proceeds to wash out her vagina with seawater. Gross, disgusting seawater. Meredith's vagina is quickly becoming the scariest place on Earth.

So, after all the beach banging and fudge packing, Connor drives Meredith back to her car and they go their separate ways. And then the story gets worse. (Yes, it can go down from there....) Meredith wakes up from a nap and she's holding this book about emeralds. One that she's never seen before. And she's wearing the emerald pendant that Connor bought her. But she thinks it's a dream and then the mystery guest that has also been staying at Granny's B&B comes downstairs and offers to take Meredith and Granny to dinner. AND IT'S CONNOR. But he acts like he's never met Meredith before.

Was the whole thing a dream? Was it real and he's just playing coy? If the story didn't suck so much, I would probably care. But I don't.

And really, the one star rating might be one star too many. Yea, it's that bad.

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